So yesterday I went to the Des Moines Bridal Show with the first friend that I could trick into letting me be in her wedding. She’s getting married in a year and a half, so decisions need to be made RIGHT NOW as to the details, details, details. I am the least girly person you have ever met and wedding details don't interest me in the slightest, but I am supportive and a wonderful friend (and did I mention there were to be a million cake vendors.) So really I went for the grub: caterers, bakeries and wineries are pretty much my favorites. It was at Hy-Vee corporate in one of their enormous conference rooms, lots of booths set up for you to check out. We did the complete tour; I sampled literally 7000 kinds of cake. Some may argue that all almond frosting tastes the same, but this girl, my friend knows different. I think that I almost died a frosting death, is there any greater kind? So what goes along with the over-consumption of cake you ask? Hundreds of happy couples. I realized what a horrible person I was when I started picking out 55% of the couples that I decided were probably going to end in divorce. Picking them solely based on appearance I think I was doing a good job, but you can only look at floral arrangements for so long before you want to hang yourself with the tulle hanging from the ceiling. I love though that every booth you go to they ask you, “so when’s the happy day?” That question gets fun after being asked 10,000 times. I started answering July 6 or November 3, and they would ask, “This year?” and I would say, “No probably 2027 I am still looking for a groom.” Turns out smartass-ness is completely wasted on wedding planners. Oh well, I did make a few decisions as far as my own wedding:
1.There must be some sort of ice sculpture (preferably of me, but I would accept two swans in an embrace.)
2.The uglier the bridesmaid dressed the better the bride looks. I was thinking lime green and brown. Ugly you say…you have no idea. You may want to back out of being my friend now, just a heads up.
3.Nothing screams class like a greasy wedding singer. You can rent them by the hour and it is like karaoke. Amazing.
4. One must always get their wedding photos taken with their tractors. You may laugh, but standing in a corn field wearing a $3000 dress with your John Deere in the background has never been more appealing to me than when I saw it at the show.
My ultimate goals of dying a cat lady or being the sorority’s house mom may have been compromised with one trip to the bridal show. My new goal: get married as many times a possible, because everyone loves a party.
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